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Jokes

Differences between a man and a woman.

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

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Actual School Absence Excuse Notes-These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. I had to edit this out.
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

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Are You Qualified to be a Professional? Take this little quiz to find out!

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?    The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?     Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?    Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

There is a river where crocodiles live. How do you cross it?    Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference! This question tests your reasoning ability.

So... If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast-food joint. If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as politics.

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These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, poor spelling and all!

1. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
2. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
3. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
4. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
5. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
6. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
7. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
8. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
9. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
10. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
11. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
13. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
14. Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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More Laughs

1) A little old man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang. It was his wife. "Dear," she said, "I just heard on the radio that a car is going the wrong way on your highway. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," her husband replied. "There are hundreds of them!"

2) A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital, where she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" "No," He replied. "You have another 40 years to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even bleached her hair blond again, figuring that, as she had so many years left, she may as well make the most of them. After her release from the hospital, she was crossing the street on her way home when she was hit and killed by an ambulance. When she arrived in front of God, she complained: "I thought you said I had another 40 years! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

3) Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "And what does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is about a quarter past 3. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Someone has stolen our tent."

4) A man takes his pet to the veterinarian after it has been run over by a car. He lays the body on the exam table and the veterinarian examines it, listening for the heart, and solemnly says, "I'm very sorry, Mr. Smith, but I'm afraid your pet is dead." Mr. Smith, who is very distraught, exclaims "How can you be sure? You haven't done any tests or anything! I want to be sure!" So the vet leaves the room and in a short time, re-enters with a Labrador Retriever in tow. He leads the dog to the table, and the dog sniffs up and down, then turns away. The veterinarian leaves with the dog and returns with a cat, and proceeds to wave the cat back and forth over the dead pet. No response. Again, he leaves the room. By this time the pet-owner has faced the fact that his pet is indeed dead. The veterinarian returns and says once more how sorry he is, then he presents the owner with a bill for $250. The outraged client yells, "Two hundred and fifty dollars just to tell me my pet is dead? What kind of a rip off is that?" Whereupon the vet replies, "Well, it would have been only $25 for the office call, but the lab work and cat scan were extra!"

5) A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to get lost and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me" , he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I friggin' didn't".

6) A Cape Bretoner walks into a bar in Halifax, orders three drafts and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a draft goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Cape Bretoner replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Toronto, the other is in Boston, and I'm here in Halifax. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for meself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Cape Bretoner becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Cape Bretoner looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs, "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife had us join the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

7) There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies." 

8) John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John as he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. So they decided to try and convert John to become a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved that now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

9) A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President, and to please leave. The man goes away. The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The marine on duty reminds him that Clinton is not President, and to please go away. The man goes away. The next day, he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty. The man asks to see President Clinton, and the Marine, his patience worn out, screams: "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!" The man smiles and says, "I know, I just like hearing it!"

10) You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? It's pretty simple; just get your drunk arse off of the merry-go-round!

Best Blonde Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it. The driver finally found a square compact mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Donkey Joke

One day a farmerís donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided that since the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasnít worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyoneís amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.

As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmerís neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral:

Life is going to shovel dirt on you; all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred
2. Free your mind from worries
3. Live simply
4. Give more
5. Expect less

O.K., thatís enough of that B.S. ... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the heck out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the heck out of them too for helping.

The REAL Moral:

When you try to cover your a**, it always comes back to get you.

Dear Abby Joke

Dear Abby,

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed,
Frustrated
-------------------------------------------
Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

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New Business Definitions

STOCK MARKET TERMS
To be an astute and well informed investor one should be familiar with the terms used when dealing with the stock market. These terms have been updated to fit today's times (post dot-com bubble burst):

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell
STOCK ANALYST! -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use. Change is good. Cash is better.

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All Smiles

Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu, When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too. I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin. When he smiled I realized I'd passed it on to him. I thought about that smile then I realized its worth. A single smile, just like mine, could travel 'round the earth. So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected. Let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

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Why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

How about when you want to shut down your computer you have to hit start.

******

7 Reasons Not to Mess With a Child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher,
She's dead. "



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."; "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
 


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want God is watching the apples.

******

How to Know You Are Growing Older

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night before and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing cards.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You join a health club and don't go.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You need glasses to find your glasses.

You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle but your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You are wondering why more people aren't using this size print.

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Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

2. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for a particular bad "tuna breath", so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white?furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything ?? just sit and stare.

3. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known as "hampering". The following are some rules for "hampering".

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.

f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

g) Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

h) When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.

i) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for the laundry basket??, the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed with it.

4. PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

4.1 GAMES
a) "Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

b) "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theatre into account. WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of the Light Brigade"): Obviously this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as well. One cat is "it". The other(s) chase him around the apartment until they catch up to him. Then follows the "Scrum", after which the cat who caught the other becomes "it" and is chased around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be subjected to the Pileup.

d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other cat did it.

e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for its human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it.

4.2 TOYS
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyways. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.

a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

b) Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another form of Hampering.

c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

5. FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it yourself. The following are guidelines for getting fed:

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.

e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent; your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

g) ELIXIR OF LIFE: Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. Whenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then daintily drink it.

6. SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

7. SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

8. WATER: Water would be really great if it wasn't so *WET*! Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets are the next best (but the water inside must be COLORLESS and contain NOTHING!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The bathtub is the best place to lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily (see DOORS). The water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the humans leave the toilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry.

9. THE VACUUM CLEANER: This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

10. HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play.

It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa.

Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.

One nearly always successful method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill". This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention. If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, or singing at the top of your voice. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing so.

WARNING: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.

Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.

MORNINGS: In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, or gently bounce on top of them in bed. See also GAMES. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the blaring noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing.

11. MEDICINE: The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't let those humans cat-handle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.

a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door.

In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.

b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good.

Once the medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over.

12. ILLNESS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

13. LAPS: Undoubtedly THE best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities for bedding; be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also GUESTS). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!

CONCLUSION: Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth running household.

 

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