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One-Liners

1. He who laughs last, thinks slow.

2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all, got the T-shirt, can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not bad, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be misquoted, then used against you.

13. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

14. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

15. Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular.

16. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

17. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

18. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

19. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass.

20. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

21. A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something well.

22. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

23. I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

24. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

25. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

26. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

27. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

28. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

29. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

30. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

31. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

32. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

33. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

34. So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute.

35. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

36. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

37. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

38. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

39. My kid had sex with your honor student.

40. Earth first... we'll mind the other planets later.

41. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

42. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

43. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

44. God must love stupid people, he made so many.

45. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

46. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

47. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

48. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

49. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

50. I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

51. Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

52. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

53. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

54. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

55. Ever stop to think, and forgot to start again.

56. Beer----- The reason I get up each afternoon.

57. If your dog thinks you're the greatest, don't seek a second opinion.

58. I'm out of bed and dressed----- What more do you want?

59. Remember my name---- You'll be screaming it later.

60. Welcome to Shit Creek--- Sorry. We're out of paddles.

61. I finally got a handle on life. If I pinch it, you can see how big it is.

62. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

63. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

64. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

65. There are two theories to arguing with a woman -- neither one works.

66. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the world together.

67. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

68. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

69. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

70. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

71. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

72. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

73. Don't squat with spurs on.

74. If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably a good investment.

75. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

76. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

77. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

78. If you think that no one cares that you're alive, try missing a couple car payments.

79. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

80. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.

81. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

82. No one is listening until you fart.

83. Never test the depth of water with both feet.

84. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to simply serve as a bad example.

85. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

86. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

87. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

88. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

89. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

90. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

91. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

92. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

93. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

94. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

95. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

96. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

97. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

98. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

99. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

100. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

101. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

102. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

103. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

104. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

105. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

106. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

107. Wear short sleeves - Support your right to bare arms!

108. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

109. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

110. Black holes are where God divided by zero.

111. All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

112. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

113. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

114. Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.

115. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to be out all night?

116. Business conventions are important because it demonstrates how many people a company can operate without.

117. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

118. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m.; it could be a right number.

119. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

120. Learn from the mistakes of others; you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

121. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

122. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

123. You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.

124. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Notable Quotations

Life is a series of obligations to be fulfilled as honorably as possible, with occasional interludes for moderate self-indulgence (vs. the selfishness we see today).

Fathers fill minds with purpose, eyes with vision, hearts with love.

That loss which is most painful to bear is the sweetest to remember.

Skepticism is a weapon; it deflects spin, propaganda and anyone with a hidden agenda. Skepticism is a quality; shared by truth seekers, free thinkers and realists. Skepticism makes the world accountable. Skepticism is a virtue. There is a difference between skepticism and cynicism. [Brill's Content]

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will. - Vince Lombardi

The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're un-cool.

There are three kinds of people in the world: Those that make things happen.... Those that watch things happen.... And those that say, "WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT HAPPENED?"

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. - Tom Mullen

Never, Never, Never, Never give up. - Winston Churchill

Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared. - Eddie Rickenbacker

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. - Boris Yeltsin

The wise man puts all his eggs in one basket and watches the basket. - Andrew Carnegie

The reason most people do not recognize opportunity is that it usually goes around wearing overalls, looking like hard work. - Thomas Edison

As far as sinking a ship with a bomb is concerned, it just can't be done. - Clark Woodward, rear admiral, U.S. Navy

Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity. - Oprah Winfrey

Eagles don't flock; you have to find them one at a time. - H. Ross Perot

If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.

Life is short - eat dessert first.

Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not to envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate. - William Author Ward

Poverty is easy. It's Charity and Chastity that are hard.

A man is not finished when he's defeated; he's finished when he quits. - Richard Nixon

When you have many pokers in the fire and one ignites, so do the others.

Good fences make good neighbors. [Robert Frost]

Very few burdens are heavy if everyone lifts. [Sy Wise]

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not -- nothing is more common. Genius will not -- un-rewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not -- the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

Don't aim at the bull's-eye. Aim at the center of the bull's-eye. [Raymond Berry]

Success is due less to ability than to zeal. [Buxton]

People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. [Howard W. Newton]

If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

The longer that it takes to develop the character the greater the mission in which that character is needed.

When the well being of your child is at stake, would you prefer a fence at the edge of a cliff or an ambulance in the ravine below? When it comes to the world of Internet pornography, no Band-Aid "acceptable use" policies will repair the damage done to a child that results from viewing the beastiality, rape, torture and child pornography that makes up the hard-core pornography available on the Internet.

Everybody's only really happy when they're creating something. [Nora Hall; wood carver]

Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.

If God is your co-pilot, switch seats!

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. [Benjamin Franklin]

He who dies rich lived too poorly.

Verbal engineering precedes social engineering.

If you don't know where you are going, you're likely to end up someplace else. [Yogi Berra]

Experience is what you get when you tried something and it didn't work.

The only difference between a good woodworker and a bad woodworker is that the good woodworker knows how to fix his mistakes.

Character is what you are in the dark. [D.L. Moody]

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. [Abraham Lincoln]

I have conquered an empire, but I have not been able to conquer myself. [Peter the Great]

Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny. [Charles Reade]

Character is not made in a crisis - it is only exhibited. [Robert Freeman]

To serve up a good meal, you have to spend a lot of time in the kitchen.

The church is a flock to be led, not a herd to be driven.

Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.

When two men in business agree, one of them is not necessary.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Seas but join the regions they divide.

Nobody ever lost money taking a profit.

Leadership: the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

The prosperous man is never sure that he is loved for himself.

You will never 'find' time for anything. If you want time you must make it.

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

How much money is enough? It is a commonplace observation that work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.

It's impossible to have faith until you have doubted.

Parents teach what they believe, but they reproduce what they are.

The grass is always greener ... but it is just as hard to mow.

You can't keep the birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from making a nest in your hair (it's okay to be tempted).

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Poor preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

The person who thinks about doing something is passed by the person who is doing it.

Evil has a pattern. First it is abhorred, then ignored, then tolerated and finally participated in.

God doesn't need us to burn out for him. He would much rather have us wear out gracefully.

Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.

A calm sea does not produce a skilled sailor.

We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.

When you're out of quality you're out of business.

It takes months to find a customer ... seconds to lose one.

If we don't take care of the customer ... somebody else will.

Customer complaints are the schoolbooks from which we learn.

Success is a journey, not a destination.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

The man on the top of the mountain didn't fall there.

Some people dream of worthy accomplishments while others stay awake and do them.

You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

I never yet have known the Spirit of God to work when the Lord's people were divided.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.

Worry is tantamount to interest paid on a debt never incurred.

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have of trying to change others.

Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of intelligent effort.

Learn from the mistakes of others - you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Good executives never put off until tomorrow what they can get someone else to do today.

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.

An optimist goes to the window every morning and says, "good morning, god." the pessimist goes to the window and says, "good god, morning!"

All the money in the world is no use to a man or his country if he spends it as fast as he makes it. All he has left is his bills and the reputation for being a fool.

The secret of your future, is hidden in your daily routine.

Men do not decide their future, they decide their habits...habits decide their future.

You will never achieve your potential, until your priorities become habitual.

The last key in the bunch is often the one to open the lock.

The common denominator for success is work.

The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.

God uses money to demonstrate his love, to direct our lives, to indicate his will. God doesn't use money to cause anxiety, fear, frustration, and worry.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

 

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